Reaping What You've Sown

Today I am reminded of Galatians 6:7 "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap."

Oh the drama there has been. It did not take long as I expected and I already knew he was searching for another woman to take my place I mean heck he has been looking while WE WERE MARRIED! 

I wish I could say I was shocked to see his relationship status updated on Facebook so everyone could see.....I wish I could say it surprised me but it didn't. Now hurt? That is a difference emotion all together. 

While I was not shocked I was deeply hurt and oh the shock from so so so many people......there he is most people not even aware we are no longer together as I have been through this hell the past several months with my son and boom happy Michael at football and then finally I am seen smiling the day we took pics for my coming grandbaby and then SHOCK AND HORROR as people see him update his status with his new girlfriend in a relationship. He met her at church of course where I have been told people watched in horror as he flirted around seeking a companion before we had even filed divorce but the worst thing this week is not even that....

I have learned that he literally used the anniversary of his son's passing over 15 years ago as a platform to gain pitty and poor poor guy oh how his wife was so crazy and so mean and poor thing and it was not even my opinion haha. I cannot see a single thing he puts or posts but I did hear that it was simply a couple hours not the beginning of the day as if he was thinking of his child but at the end of the day and after enough time for someone to tell him what I posted about how I could have been meaner. 

I literally felt so deeply sorry in my heart for his exwife the mother of that sweet child. I felt sad for people that were so hurt my his loss at such a young age and as the woman who was married to this man who literally told me as I observed it and poured my heart out to him on that day for several years he always said, "It is no big deal thank you it is just another day it is ok I do not really think about it" I am not at all surprised he would use this to gain pitty from people and his post apparently from what I was told is definitely proof it was not about his son but about him. So sad. 

SO TODAY'S VERSE IS FOR HIM. It is also for me and for everyone to take head. God does not play and he will not be mocked. If you want to spread rumors and be hurtful to people you may think that things are all ok and hunky dory, however GOD IS NOT TO BE MOCKED YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU HAVE SOWN so make your decisions carefully. Be authentic not shady......God is watching. 

I still daily pray for him. I pray for his mom who I miss terribly and am not allowed near, I pray for his son who I adore as well and his exwife and family and I guess now I will begin praying for this new woman in his life. My hope is that God does some healing and she does not have to go through what I have and that God protect her from the harm and damage this man has done to me and my own family.  No one deserves that at all and now I pray for her. 

Bowing your head when you cannot hold it up.....

 You ever wake up and not only mentally but physically feel like you cannot lift your head at all?

These days lately feel like I cannot even keep my head up let alone focus and move forward with all the things that the day brings in front of me to address.

I am reminded today of Luke 18:1 where Jesus told the disciples a story that shared their need to continuous prayer and for them to keep seeking the Lord in prayer until the answer came. 

I am thinking this is where I am today in my zombie like state again as I simply move through the motions almost on an autopilot just to keep functioning instead of sinking beneath my covers and shutting out the world. 

As I pray and seeking the Lord today with trust in him I am reminded that I CAN TRUST HIM WHEN I CAN TRUST NO ONE ELSE AND THAT HIS TIMING IS PERFECT EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS IT IS NOT.

Thank you Lord for never leaving me or forsaking me. I trust you Lord with this day and all the things in my path that I do not understand I trust your plan is perfect as I move through this day and the days to come. 

My momma always has said to call on Jesus because He is the only help she knows and boy isn't that the truth!!!

I pray today if you come across this that you too will seek the Lord and find comfort in his presence in the day to day difficult moments in your own life and that you TRUST HIM IN ALL THINGS!

When the weight is too heavy to bear.....

When I wake in the morning 

The weight too much to bear

You OH LORD are my strength

Today as I got out of the bed I wanted to crawl back into a hole and never return

I want to disappear sometimes and fade into the quiet moments

I feel as though my soul longs for comfort 

But there is no peace or comfort to be found

I look to you OH LORD

Be my refuge God

Be my comfort 

Like a shelter locked up tight and safe in a massive storm

Lord please surround me today

Guard and protect me and lift me up 

You know all that I need to handle Lord

All I need to accomplish

Help me to put my perspective in you Lord

My thoughts consistently on you. 

All the things (literally) stacked against me

For me to handle

For me to act on

Lord give me the strength

Calm my anxiety Lord 

Help me to find peace and comfort that only comes from you. 

This I pray today.

Ramblings of the Heart

 I said this was my quote for the last year and it seems to continue into this one...."I just don't understand."

I know that perhaps I will never fully know why or what in the world happened since I have been forced to navigate a situation with someone that chooses to shut out and off instead of fully feel from within but it still haunts me, keeps me awake at night and soaking my pillow in tears. 

There is something about "RENT FREE NOISE LIVING FREELY IN MY HEAD," like the song The Truth from Megan Woods says, and I saw a powerful devotion this morning that listed the lyrics of that song and gave scripture addressing those passages she sings.

RENT FREE NOISE LIVING FREELY IN MY HEAD

Philippians 4:6 KJV "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God."

2 Corinthians 10:5 KJV "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."

I KNOW THE LIES ARE ALWAYS GONNA TRY & FIND ME BY I'VE NEVER BEEN SO SURE

James 4:7-8 KJV "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw high to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded."

Hebrews 13:5-6 KJV "Let your conversations be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."

Just these words so comforted my weary soul this morning.... I pray as the day moves on and I continue to go to the Lord in prayer I will feel his presence with me.

Yet I Try

 I woke late

I try

Body aches, hard to breathe

I keep trying

The teen will not wake

No sense of urgency to help me 

I try

I really want to tap out

But I try

I attempt to recruit his dad to help

No answer

The teen moves slow so perhaps I will leave him here

My anger is mounting

I try

I have to speak firm, harsh even and discipline him

I then start the car and realize power steering fluid is again needed

I hurt as I lift the hood

The teen sits and watches me from the car emotionless without concern

I keep trying

Lord help me as I continue to TRY ALL DAY!

A Psalm to the Lord

 As I awake and see the wood and things stacked up before and against me (quite literally)

I cling to you Oh Lord......

I am reminded as I sing aloud that hymn

    Everything's gonna be alright, 

    Everything's gonna be alright,

    You hold me in your arms,

    Till all my fears are gone.... 

    And I believe, I believe, 

    You're working all things for my good, 

    You're working all things for my good!

11 TREES DOWN WITH THE WOOD IN MY YARD

My first grandchild on the way 

Heavy work load and increased hours

Still overwhelmed inside the house 

And YES MY CHRISTMAS IS STILL UP, 

But like Habbakuk 3:17-19......

Yet will I praise you LORD

The Keeper of my soul

The Planner of my life

My Stronghold

My Strength......

I have SO GOT THIS!

In You I can do all things!

-KMad

Snow ...... Transformation

 Well the south got snow for the second time this year and we are only 21 days into the year......I mean if you count that last fall of ice and sleet combined as "snowfall" then this is the second time ;)

Watching the fake fire crackle on the TV and the snow falling and really accumulating outside made me think of when I was in elementary school and if it snowed (rare in the south) the teachers would take us outside with black paper so when the snowflakes hit we could quickly see the crystals that make them up before they melted. It is true that if you get a view at one simple snowflake they really do look like this amazing complex collection of crystals all joined together. 

When snow forms it is because the water vapor freezes onto particles creating ice crystals and those crystals stick more and more to make the snowflake and when it becomes really heavy then it falls to the ground.  Snow is a transformation of the water vapor.......

If I think about this process I can relate it to my difficulty lately in life and all I have traveled through. I have felt like I formed or adapted around this particle or piece of something here that I did not want here.....this empty void of my life I am moving into now and as more and more fused around me I have become so heavy.  I think of the snowflake falling and then I think of being on the ground but instead of being in snow I rise from the ashes in a ball of fire like the Phoenix.

Today I did not feel so much like the Phoenix but I guess as I tell my sons, "it is okay to not be okay, it just isn't ok to stay that way." So I will accept this heaviness as I watch this beautiful snow falling. I will accept this transformation that I am undergoing now knowing that I can get up from the ground again as I have before and eventually I will be ok.